Darkness

I am quite sad today. My marriage, I believe, is under great spiritual attack. I feel like I know why, but I cannot say because this place is too public with too many people viewing. My family doesn't appreciate me and what I do for them. I so don't want to do this life anymore, but it's the only life I know and I feel like I would be lost without them. Everything I do from sun up past sun down is for and revolves around my family. I am grateful for the opportunity most of the time, but right now I feel so burnt out. Maybe things will balance out after dh finishes school. But 2 years away may as well be 2,000. I don't know why my dh puts up with my moodiness. I can't stand to be around myself lately. Something happened to me about 3 1/2 years ago that tore me to shreds emotionally and God showed me that that is at the heart of the problems in my marriage. I am continually being dragged through the mud that is this situation and it affects my attitude, decisions, and how I deal with everyone on a daily basis. The problem is that God told me that I needed to let it go. It is too big of a burden for me to carry. But, God, I say, the hurt and pain is still there as if it happened yesterday. I just don't know how to get over it. I do not believe I have the skills or knowledge on how to let go. No matter that I have been churched all my life, I just can't figure out how to do it. It's not that I choose to dwell on it. Satan brings it before me continually and I do not know how to battle him on that subject. Satan knows this so he keeps doing it. I really need a mentor, so badly, if anyone ever reads this, please pray for me, although you may not know me, that I would find a mentor. I long for someone to talk to about life issues as well as regular day to day stuff. I thought yesterday I may not even do this blogging thing anymore. Now I can hardly stop as it is a place to work through things.

sickness

To all those who are hanging on my every word (yeah, right!) My ds#1 and ds#2 are STILL sick!!!! ARGH!!! UGH!!!! I am so frustrated! And bone weary! I let ds#2 have a dime size did you get that DIME size amout of pork roast last night at dinner. 3 hours later, he was throwing up the contents of the entire day. (I will spare you the details). So, I thought, 'well, I guess his lil tummy wasn't ready after all. Guess I'll have to go back to the BRAT diet.' Then, this afternoon, ds#1 was acting a lot better (save the diarrhea ~ we'll get to some of that in a moment...) so, I thought he could have one pkg of fruit snacks. How WRONG was I? Not even 2 hours later up it comes! Waaaa! Waaaa! I can't take it anymore! I know the Lord knows this. I shall try very hard to take comfort in that. So, after just recently returning from the laundrymat today and doing 18 (no lie) loads of laundry (just got $ today...we were just a little behind in laundry, don't ya think?) anyways, so I just had to run another 1/2 load b/c of what was just soiled. I'm tired. Please forgive me for not updating this as much as I'd like to. Last night, I was up until 3 am helping dh with English. One important thing, then I must go: Yest. ds#1 was complaining that his bum was hot like his fafa (blanky) when it comes out of the dryer. which is kind of cute, but very painful to him. he thought that there was a diaper rash but there isn't. My dh and I tried tons of different things. Then, the Lord spoke to me and told me to use Lansinoh cream (the internet said something about lanolin, and God said "hey, that's Lansinoh, and you have some of that in your top dresser drawer." So, we started applying that liberally and that helped quite a bit, but he still wailed from the pain. It is so sad to hear and see your 2 yr old writhing in pain and you can't do anything. :( So then dh mom sd try cornstarch. So, I put lansinoh on then cornstarch. working wonders for both boys! ds#1 doesn't even realize when he has a poopy and his bum is protected by the lansinoh. we still check very often, though. One more thing God told me to do to help him with his pain: have him squeeze mommys hand, or arm or a stuffed animal. God told me that it would defer his attention and it wouldn't hurt me and it would allow him to vent out his pain. God is good! Even in the midst of sickness. ps any suggestions would be welcome on how to deal with this stuff.