Darkness

I am quite sad today. My marriage, I believe, is under great spiritual attack. I feel like I know why, but I cannot say because this place is too public with too many people viewing. My family doesn't appreciate me and what I do for them. I so don't want to do this life anymore, but it's the only life I know and I feel like I would be lost without them. Everything I do from sun up past sun down is for and revolves around my family. I am grateful for the opportunity most of the time, but right now I feel so burnt out. Maybe things will balance out after dh finishes school. But 2 years away may as well be 2,000. I don't know why my dh puts up with my moodiness. I can't stand to be around myself lately. Something happened to me about 3 1/2 years ago that tore me to shreds emotionally and God showed me that that is at the heart of the problems in my marriage. I am continually being dragged through the mud that is this situation and it affects my attitude, decisions, and how I deal with everyone on a daily basis. The problem is that God told me that I needed to let it go. It is too big of a burden for me to carry. But, God, I say, the hurt and pain is still there as if it happened yesterday. I just don't know how to get over it. I do not believe I have the skills or knowledge on how to let go. No matter that I have been churched all my life, I just can't figure out how to do it. It's not that I choose to dwell on it. Satan brings it before me continually and I do not know how to battle him on that subject. Satan knows this so he keeps doing it. I really need a mentor, so badly, if anyone ever reads this, please pray for me, although you may not know me, that I would find a mentor. I long for someone to talk to about life issues as well as regular day to day stuff. I thought yesterday I may not even do this blogging thing anymore. Now I can hardly stop as it is a place to work through things.